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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25056319">Uninvited</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/soubrette/pseuds/soubrette'>soubrette</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(b)romance, break-ins, and banter [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Deadpool (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Humor, Identity Reveal, whatever floats your boat, you can read this as pre-slash or platonic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:40:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25056319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/soubrette/pseuds/soubrette</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool was on a mission. Spider-Man just wanted some sleep.</p>
<p>Our two favorite masked idiots break into the home of one Peter Parker. Poor excuses and awkward realizations follow.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Wade Wilson, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>(b)romance, break-ins, and banter [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>470</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Uninvited</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey all! Welcome to my first published fanfic. This is mostly inspired by events from the Spider-Man/Deadpool comic run, but it should work for just about any version of the characters. All you need to know is that Spider-Man and Deadpool are friends, but Wade doesn't know his secret identity just yet.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spider-Man was exhausted. To be fair, he usually was these days, but tonight was especially draining for some reason. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but maybe that’s what made it seem so tedious. The thought of his warm, soft bed was his sole motivation as he scaled the brick wall of his apartment building. He found the right window, left unlocked as always, and pulled off his mask as he climbed inside. All he needed now was a quick shower, and then--<em> shit. </em></p>
<p>Peter tripped over a lump lying just below his living room window. There was something in his apartment. No, scratch that… there was some<em>one </em> in his apartment. Why hadn’t his spidey-sense gone off? He righted himself, replaced the mask, and prepared for a fight, adrenaline racing. When nothing happened, he cautiously crouched down to get a closer look in the dark room. That’s when he finally noticed that the other man was wearing a familiar red-and-black suit and mask. And also that he happened to be sound asleep. <em> Deadpool is passed out on my floor, </em> he thought. <em> Are you kidding me? </em></p>
<p>“Wade! What are you doing in Peter Parker’s apartment!?” Peter jabbed him in the side with his foot and tried to hide his panic at just how close he’d come to exposing his identity. </p>
<p>Wade started awake, but immediately settled back down on the hardwood floor, as though this were a regular occurrence for him (and, hell, as far as Peter knew, maybe it was). “Oh, heeeyy, Webs.” He stared straight up, searching the ceiling for an answer that would be at least <em> slightly </em> less incriminating than the truth. The search was apparently unsuccessful. “Uhh… I could ask you the same question?”</p>
<p>Peter rolled his eyes behind the mask as he moved to turn on a light. “Some guy tried to break into the lab earlier today. I was just stopping by to let Mr. Parker know he’d been arrested.” The story was thin, but he’d gotten people off his case with worse. Of course, those people weren’t Wade Wilson.</p>
<p>“Just stopping by? At this hour!?” Wade sat up with unnecessary enthusiasm, making himself slightly dizzy. “...What hour is it, by the way?” </p>
<p>Peter sighed and glanced at the clock on the stove. “A little after 3.” </p>
<p>Wade gasped, clutching a string of imaginary pearls. “3 <em> A.M.?</em> 3 A.M. as in 3 in the <em> morning???</em> As in the <em> middle of the night?</em> You’re ‘just stopping by’ <em> Mister </em> Parker’s personal apartment in the middle of the night? Creeping in through the <em> window</em>, no less!?”</p>
<p>“Wade.”</p>
<p>“Seriously! You didn’t even knock! I knew you guys were close, but this is just a whole other level of-- Wait, are you two secretly married? Because honestly, Webs, you could do so much better, or-- no, hang on… he’s seeing someone else, probably someone as boring as he is, all the while having a passionate, forbidden romance with you! That seems more likely, but again--”</p>
<p>“Wade!”</p>
<p>“...What?”</p>
<p>“I’m not having… an affair… with Peter Parker.” He thought he’d really gotten used to this whole double-life business, but there are some things that are just hard to say with a straight face.</p>
<p>“Oh. Well, that’s good. Spider-Man’s gotta have <em> some </em>standards. Not to mention, it wouldn’t be fair to him, seeing as you’re already hopelessly in love with me.”</p>
<p>Peter decided to ignore that last part. Arguing would only encourage him. “The real question is why I found a mercenary passed out on his floor.”</p>
<p>“You’re avoiding the subject, but that’s fine. I’ll play along.” Wade removed his mask, adding, “And that’s <em> ex</em>-mercenary to you, thank you very much.”</p>
<p>Peter smiled. “Right, sorry. So what completely honorable, heroic reason do <em> you </em> have for being here?”</p>
<p>“Oh. Well.” Wade gestured vaguely, conjuring bullshit out of thin air. “Obviously, I’m his… bodyguard.”</p>
<p>“Sure.” Peter crossed his arms, leaning against the wall behind him.</p>
<p>“Personal chef!”</p>
<p>Peter sighed. “Can you even use a stove?”</p>
<p>“...Prostitute?”</p>
<p>His eyebrows shot up. “That honorable, huh?”</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t judge me! I still have to make a living somehow, and you know I have a very specific skill set--”</p>
<p>“Okay! Clearly neither of us want to admit the truth here, so as far as I’m concerned… that leaves us two options.” Peter hesitated, trying to make a last-minute mental list of all the pros and cons for what he was about to do.</p>
<p>“I’m listening.” Wade crossed his legs pretzel-style, resting his chin in his hands and staring up at him with unwavering focus to emphasize that fact.</p>
<p>Peter gave up on the list. <em> What’s the worst that could happen? </em> “Alright. So... we could avoid the subject completely, let each other off the hook, pretend this never happened, and subconsciously feel the weight of that choice and the unanswered questions gnawing away at us until the end of time… or, maybe, we could <em> both </em> confess. Like, an equal exchange.”</p>
<p>“Hm.” Wade stretched back out. “Well I’ve gotta say, option one sounds much more appealing right now, but something in your tone’s making me think that’s maybe not what you were getting at.”</p>
<p>“I just…” Peter sighed, glancing at the window as though he’d rather jump back through it than continue this conversation. Making up his mind, he moved a little further away from the wall. “Okay, there’s really no good time to say this, and it’s going to be awkward either way, so I might as well just get it over with because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and at this point you probably deserve to know--”</p>
<p>Wade stood up, taking a few tentative steps closer. “Webs. Clearly you want to tell me. Please just say it before you explode or something.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay…” Another sigh. “Okay.” Peter dropped his head, slowly lifting his hands towards his neck. He paused for a moment. Then, in one fluid motion, he pulled the mask off like a band-aid, nearly flinching as though the act were physically painful. He finally looked back up to see Wade struggling to find words, which was definitely a first.</p>
<p>“Oh… <em> oh</em>. Wait. What? The <em> fuck???</em> You’re-- Spider-Man is... Peter Parker?” Wade stared at him with equal parts confusion and fascination, like a scientist discovering a new species or a child who’s just been told they don’t have to order from the dollar menu.</p>
<p>“Uh… yeah.” Peter let his gaze fall to the floor again, nervously running a hand through his hair. He cleared his throat and attempted something closer to nonchalance. “So what’s <em> your </em> excuse for being here? The real one this time.”</p>
<p>Wade opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then tried again. “...Well now I would rather not say.”</p>
<p>Peter was unimpressed. “Oh, come on… I’m trusting you with my biggest secret, and you can’t even tell me why you broke into my apartment? If you’re so determined for us to be friends, a little honesty would go a long way.”</p>
<p>Wade held a hand to his heart, as if he’d been shot. “Listen, Webs, I’m deeply honored that you trust me enough to tell me-- <em> really</em>, I am, and I’ll be celebrating this new development in our epic bromance-slash-romance later, but the thing is… It’s just--” He paced in a small circle, then gave up, just inches away from Peter. “Look, if you knew what it was, you’d know why I can’t tell you.”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah. Alright then.” Peter nodded solemnly, before breaking into a teasing grin. “You do know that actually makes no sense... whatsoever?”</p>
<p>Wade laughed and shoved his shoulder lightly. “Shut up, you know what I mean. It’s just I know how it’s gonna sound, and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way and get mad.”</p>
<p>“I won’t be mad.”</p>
<p>“Promise?” Wade stared into his eyes, which was much more unnerving for Peter, now that he could actually see them.</p>
<p>“Just tell me.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t promise.”</p>
<p>Peter rolled his eyes, but smiled. “I promise.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Here goes…” Wade exhaled, shook out his hands, and twitched his head to the side, like a sprinter preparing for the starting pistol. He inhaled once more through the nose, slowly, as though this would be the last breath he ever took. He held it for a moment. Then, finally, the dam broke. “Someonehiredmetokillyou.”</p>
<p>Peter took one large step back, the smile replaced with a look of genuine horror. “<em>What?</em>"</p>
<p>“See! I told you it sounded bad! And also you totally broke your promise, so while we’re on the subject of trust--”</p>
<p>“Wade, I just revealed something kind of super important because hey, you know, friendship!” Peter was pacing now, full of anxiety with nowhere to go. “And now you’re telling me you came here, to my home, to <em>murder</em> me!?”</p>
<p>Wade was making an effort to stay calm, the tone of his voice almost soothing. “The irony of the situation is not lost on me. But it’s not like I knew it was you when I took the job! You should take at least half the blame here. Maybe two-thirds, accounting for both Peter Parker <em> and </em> Spider-Man lying to me, but you’re the genius so I’ll leave the numbers up to you. And anyway, I promise I had no murderous intentions. Well,” he smirked, “No more than usual.”</p>
<p>Peter finally stood still, trying to make sense of this new information. “But you just said--”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I mean <em> technically </em> I took the money, so I guess that’s not exactly up to your shiny, sparkly code of moral perfection, but I wasn’t gonna kill a guy for no reason. I don’t do that anymore, remember? I just thought I’d have a look around, see what’s what. My, uh, employer was convinced Parker was totally and completely evil-- I mean absolute scum of the earth kind of guy, so I thought <em> maybe </em> if I found proof, I’d... do something about it. Wasn’t anything suspicious here (aside from a truly disappointing selection of breakfast cereals), so I was waiting for him to come home. Thought I could question him, scare him a little, see if he confessed to something. Didn’t expect a nerd like him to be out so late, so next thing I know, <em> you’re </em> crashing through the window making a sleeping Deadpool sandwich with this here lovely floor.” He sat back down on the aforementioned floor, affectionately brushing a hand over it.</p>
<p>“Wait-- Okay. Hang on.” Peter slumped down onto the couch. “If you weren’t planning to kill h-- <em> me</em>, then why’d you take the money in the first place?”</p>
<p>“Like I said, limited skill set.” Wade shrugged. “Guy’s gotta eat.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t he going to come after you when he realizes I’m still very much alive?”</p>
<p>Wade took a moment to consider this. “Well, there is always the option of <em> faking </em> your death.”</p>
<p>Peter glared at him. “I’m being serious.”</p>
<p>“So am I! I’ll organize the funeral. It’ll be a beautiful ceremony.”</p>
<p>“I am not faking my own death.”</p>
<p>Wade pouted and crossed his arms. “You are just no fun tonight.” He stood back up and wandered to the kitchen. “But anyway, what’s he gonna do, kill me?” he asked, barely holding back laughter.</p>
<p>Peter followed, mostly to make sure he didn’t break anything. Or steal anything. Or light the whole building on fire. “Wade--”</p>
<p>“Also, the guy just so happens to be in prison at the mo, so he won’t be coming after me for about…" He paused, pulling his head out of a cabinet to check his watch. "Another four life sentences.”</p>
<p>Peter sighed and shook his head, but he couldn’t help the way the corners of his mouth crept upward. “I hate you.”</p>
<p>Wade scoffed. “After all that <em> honesty?</em> After I bared my very <em> soul </em> to you? All that talk of trust and friendship…” He continued raiding the small collection of packaged food items and whispered, “You monster.”</p>
<p>"Yeah, I know. I'm the worst." Peter pushed himself up onto the counter.</p>
<p>“And you really do need to hit up the grocery store, dude. I mean really, <em>Grape</em> <em>Nuts?</em> What are you, 90?” He opened the box anyway, not even bothering with a bowl or milk.</p>
<p>Peter hummed, smiling up at the ceiling and swinging his feet forward. "This is really not how I imagined this conversation would go down."</p>
<p>“Oh hey, the face isn’t bad though," Wade said through a mouthful of dry cereal. "Congrats on that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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